i am the patron saint of lost causes.
It's been a bit. I went to camp for a week, was a counselor, and got paid a really shitty amount. That's okay, it was fun, and it was enough to get Trent's awesome birthday present. I'm really just making excuses. I have some serious things I want to talk about in this blog, and I can't waste time on sentimental blathering. I'll talk more about Trent's impromptu birthday party in a later post. Probably tonight.
Anyways.
Where do we turn when it seems like everything we know and love has a big question mark behind it? What do we believe in when it seems like there is nothing we can trust in fully? How can I believe in this when there's a hundred doubts for every word?
I'm talking about religion of course. My views get more and more skewed and confused. I don't know where to turn or who to trust. Seth and Trent have very sarcastic views on religion. It seems like every day that passes, my faith becomes more and more of a backseat item, something you just kind of throw back there and forget about till you're cleaning out the car. How could this have happened? I've been in a Christian school since I was three years old. I'm in the Concert Choir, a choir dedicated to spreading the Word of God... something I'm not even sure I believe in.
I keep praying anyways. I'm asking-- no, I'm BEGGING-- for a sign that my struggles are okay. But it seems to be going unanswered. I stand in church, singing the words, mostly because I like the sound of my own voice too much. I daydream through sermons (like everyone else, surely), and find it hard to look into my pastor's eyes. I recently decided not to go to our synod's college, because how can I teach children these ideas and beliefs I'm not even certain of myself?
I'm not stupid. I know a lot of my doubts have to do with Trent's doubts. Earlier today, we were talking, and right now, he's mad at his mom. She doesn't want us riding to Warped Tour together and staying at a friend's house, throwing in all sorts of assumptions that we'd be having sex there. You see, she's a religious fanatic, and every time we discuss her, faith gets brought up. It's been rammed so thoroughly down my soulmate's throat that he doesn't want to believe it anymore, I think. I told him I believe what I believe, and that I'm so afraid of being wrong. His reply?
"
there's a reason the church calls their followers sheep. and you just outlined it with unerring eloquency."
What do I say to that? I know he's partially right. I know our synod is corrupt, I can see it every time some official opens his mouth. So many of them are hypocrites. How can I trust my soul with them? How can I trust my soul with anyone? What is right and what is wrong? There are so many religions, so many of them teaching virtually the same thing, others so radically different it's hard to believe people of such different minds exist. How do I know that while I spend my time praying to God, Allah isn't getting more and more angry with me? How do I know there even is a God?
If there is a Satan, he is mocking me right now, laughing right in my face, shouting that he's winning and I'm going to fall away. I'm terrified to fall away. Without a God to believe in, the world is just a huge accident, a big punchline. A cosmic joke. Evolution is ridiculous of course. Someone must be up there, creating things and watching us... But which one is it? Elohim, Allah, Jehovah... I don't know.
In the Bible, Jesus said that faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see. I need a sign... I need to see something, before I lose my mind worrying about this. I'm so scared that I'll die with all these doubts and end up in hell. And how do I deal with it? I write about it in a blog that maybe five people looks at.
There has to be a purpose for me. If God exists, I pray that he will show me this purpose soon. I'm asking for a sign, a sign to help me through this rough time in my life, the most doubtful I've ever been. Help me. That's all I'm asking for.
A Brand New Path
Hello followers. This is just a quick little post to inform you of my newest project, available on blogspot as well, since it's not a story I'm going to try and publish. You guys should all know by now that I'm a writer. Well, the latest Silverstein album, called
A Shipwreck In The Sand was a concept album. Meaning it has a story and a meaning, an arc over all the songs. Like, two months ago, my friend Tara (who seems to get mentioned in this blog and awful lot. xD) and I were listening to the album and she asked me to write the story out in prose. I have a few friends who would be interested in reading it, but the icing on the cake was when I went over to the Silverstein forums, Shane Told himself said that he would read it, which was the little bit of inspiration I needed to get my ass in gear. SO. Lengthy explanation, here's the link if you're interested:
http://www.greenteachronicles.blogspot.com
At the bottom of every post, there will be a link to a MySpace playlist; this is the Silverstein album, so if you're reading and haven't heard the album, or you just wanna listen while you read, it's there. Enjoy!
p.s. I'll still be updating this blog. Each blog links to the other one, so yeah.
p.s.s. you may have noticed the new spiffy layout. thanks to blogskins! (i think it definitely fits better than the lame dots layout. xD)
<3Kayla
Leave the edge and fly, we're finally alive!
Oh where to start... Since I last posted a life blog, some interesting things have happened, mostly this week. Wednesday night, I went with Trent to see "Year One", which, if you don't know, if the prehistoric comedy with Jack Black and Michael Cera. I thought it was pretty funny, but I love JB and MC, so I might be a littttttle biased. Oh, and Juno Temple! She is such a cutie, and I hadn't seen her in anything since "Atonement", so it's nice to know she's getting somewhere. One of the best lines from the whole thing: "This girl is no longer a virgin! I, uh, I saved her with my lovemaking!" xD
Saw another movie last night with Trent and our friend Luke: "Public Enemies". Also a clear winner, I mean, look who's in the lead role. Johnny Depp, that man can DO NO WRONG. And he's gorgeous. Christian Bale was there too, and thankfully, did not use the gravelly, annoying as hell Batman/Terminator voice. I probably would have killed something if he'd broken out with that voice. Haha. But yeah, the acting is fantastic, the action is good, and I thought it was well worth the ticket prize. Ooh, fun times beforehand too, I'm still not 17, so Trent devised a plan to sneak me in-- he bought my ticket while I went ahead to the bathroom. I guess they wanted me to come back with an ID, but he told them I didn't have my purse, and they just let it go "this time"... haha. WIN!
In other news, the drama between Evanescence and We Are The Fallen continues. I actually had a guy from EvThreads like stalk me to YouTube and call me a hypocrite for leaving comments on the video and still want the drama to stop. And then he said I'm antagonizing Amy Lee. By telling the truth... oh man. Well, I hope it made him feel better to lyk ttly pwn meh on the Internet-- I mean seriously, who has time for that shit? I'm still not even sure how he found out it was my YouTube account; I don't remember linking to it on EvThreads recently... Damn, he must have really been on a mission. Kind of creepy. Once again, this is the kind of kid who makes rant videos on YouTube and thinks that people care, so I'm not too worried about it. I'll just be content with my life in the real world, as opposed to the Interwebz. (Trent got a huge kick out of this too-- so I think we all should.)
Right now, I'm just kind of chilling, listening to the "Please Look Up When You're Down" mix I made for Marinda, and then expanded for Amanda... It's a good one, I like the happy vibe. A few songs you should totally check out from it: "Stars In Your Eyes" by Armor For Sleep, "A Praise Chorus" by Jimmy Eat World, and "Capital H" by Motion City Soundtrack. I need to make myself a couple more mixes, all the ones I've got are a little overplayed right now. Which is strange, because I have 34 of them >.> but a bunch of them are from earlier this year, so I guess it makes sense.
Oh yeah, something I should address-- today is the 4th of July. In 1776 we declared independence from Britain... And guess where we are now. Our economy is shit, everyone born after 2000 is going to have diabetes, obesity is at an all time high, the divorce rate is around 60% still, I think, and celebrities are dropping like flies... I wonder what the revolutionaries would think of us, honestly. I know that I'm not exactly proud to be an American very often-- what have we done that's good recently? Um, let's see, war, shitty president who is STILL keeping secrets from us, more and more accumlative debt we will NEVER pay off... I have to wonder, when will our empire end? When will we be one of the great civilizations they study in history books? If we continue on like this, that's how it's going to go... I'm moving to New Zealand or Taiwan, seriously... haha. Think about that a bit. I don't believe in blind patriotism. Believe in your morals and our rights-- and then be patriotic when our country manages to match these.
On a less serious note, I fuckin love me some fireworks. Hopefully I'll remember my camera AND my memory card to get some good pictures-- that "fireworks" setting on my camera should be good for something. And with that, I have to be off, good people. It's semi-nice out, I'm wearing my awesome Panic at the Disco shirt, and I'm hungry and ready to DO SOMETHING. =D
Have a good one. Peace out~
<3Kayla
Quiet Riot/Thunderous Riot
(v1) Let's kick back together
Start a quiet riot
And paint the town
When we're done we'll fall asleep
And know it's meant to be
(chorus) And yeah, maybe we're too close
But babe, I wouldn't trade you for anyone else
You are my sun, my moon, my stars
You are my sky, my air, my life
You're my everything
That's too late to change
And I don't mind
(v2) These long summer days are
Too hard without you here
Is it just sad
That I miss you too right now?
Well, oh well, you feel the same
Let's go!
(bridge) It's the little things that remind me
I need you
And it's good to hear
You need me too
Let's start a thund'rous riot
We'll tear this town right down
All the boring boards and chipped up paint
And we'll say it was all for love
Yeah, for love
For love
(chorus) And yeah, maybe we're too close
But babe, I wouldn't trade you for anyone else
You are my sun, my moon, my stars
You are my sky, my air, my life
You're my everything
That's too late to change
And I don't mind
(outro) And we'll say it was all for love
Yeah, for love
For love
