Coffee Shop Daze

i am the patron saint of lost causes.

It's been a bit. I went to camp for a week, was a counselor, and got paid a really shitty amount. That's okay, it was fun, and it was enough to get Trent's awesome birthday present. I'm really just making excuses. I have some serious things I want to talk about in this blog, and I can't waste time on sentimental blathering. I'll talk more about Trent's impromptu birthday party in a later post. Probably tonight.

Anyways.

Where do we turn when it seems like everything we know and love has a big question mark behind it? What do we believe in when it seems like there is nothing we can trust in fully? How can I believe in this when there's a hundred doubts for every word?

I'm talking about religion of course. My views get more and more skewed and confused. I don't know where to turn or who to trust. Seth and Trent have very sarcastic views on religion. It seems like every day that passes, my faith becomes more and more of a backseat item, something you just kind of throw back there and forget about till you're cleaning out the car. How could this have happened? I've been in a Christian school since I was three years old. I'm in the Concert Choir, a choir dedicated to spreading the Word of God... something I'm not even sure I believe in.

I keep praying anyways. I'm asking-- no, I'm BEGGING-- for a sign that my struggles are okay. But it seems to be going unanswered. I stand in church, singing the words, mostly because I like the sound of my own voice too much. I daydream through sermons (like everyone else, surely), and find it hard to look into my pastor's eyes. I recently decided not to go to our synod's college, because how can I teach children these ideas and beliefs I'm not even certain of myself?

I'm not stupid. I know a lot of my doubts have to do with Trent's doubts. Earlier today, we were talking, and right now, he's mad at his mom. She doesn't want us riding to Warped Tour together and staying at a friend's house, throwing in all sorts of assumptions that we'd be having sex there. You see, she's a religious fanatic, and every time we discuss her, faith gets brought up. It's been rammed so thoroughly down my soulmate's throat that he doesn't want to believe it anymore, I think. I told him I believe what I believe, and that I'm so afraid of being wrong. His reply?

"there's a reason the church calls their followers sheep. and you just outlined it with unerring eloquency."

What do I say to that? I know he's partially right. I know our synod is corrupt, I can see it every time some official opens his mouth. So many of them are hypocrites. How can I trust my soul with them? How can I trust my soul with anyone? What is right and what is wrong? There are so many religions, so many of them teaching virtually the same thing, others so radically different it's hard to believe people of such different minds exist. How do I know that while I spend my time praying to God, Allah isn't getting more and more angry with me? How do I know there even is a God?

If there is a Satan, he is mocking me right now, laughing right in my face, shouting that he's winning and I'm going to fall away. I'm terrified to fall away. Without a God to believe in, the world is just a huge accident, a big punchline. A cosmic joke. Evolution is ridiculous of course. Someone must be up there, creating things and watching us... But which one is it? Elohim, Allah, Jehovah... I don't know.

In the Bible, Jesus said that faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see. I need a sign... I need to see something, before I lose my mind worrying about this. I'm so scared that I'll die with all these doubts and end up in hell. And how do I deal with it? I write about it in a blog that maybe five people looks at.

There has to be a purpose for me. If God exists, I pray that he will show me this purpose soon. I'm asking for a sign, a sign to help me through this rough time in my life, the most doubtful I've ever been. Help me. That's all I'm asking for.

posted by Kayla @ 2:06 PM