ignorance is your NEW BEST FRIEND.
I'm going to admit it to you guys, since I can't seem to admit it to myself or anyone else really. Right now, I'm angry. I'm so angry. So angry that I probably shouldn't be writing this, I should probably be punching something until I feel better, but you know what? This is how I communicate. Let me start of with some lyrics that I just realized match my mood PERFECTLY. It's utterly beautiful how my music collection can sum up my feelings better than I can:
"We're the friends who stuck together, we wrote our names in blood. I guess you can't accept that the change is good, it's good, it's good. You treat me just like another stranger! Well it's nice to meet you... I best be on my way out."
Have you ever had that friend who just refuses to admit that they have a good life? I don't mean occasionally being down, or needing your help-- it's every fucking second of every fucking day. They don't think their life is good, and they will NOT let you or ANYONE ELSE forget it. You have an achievement? Forget it. You have a funny story to tell? Better keep your mouth shut, because it might upset their delicate emotions. Yeah, I'm sure you all know what kind of a person I'm talking about.
Debbie FUCKING Downer.
It's kind of funny-- last night, I was skimming on yahoo, and a featured article was on how to tell if you're a girl in a toxic friendship. I matched up 7/9. That is NOT good. And guess what? When I finally decided I couldn't take it anymore, when it was make or break, and I chose make, I was the one who was the bad friend.
Those of you who know me well (most of you) know that I am a fucked up individual, and I have this thing called a savior complex where I have to FIX people. Therefore, I don't walk away. I don't give up. I don't call it a day and go to bed feeling good about myself. I agonize over it, I shed tears and sweat for these people, and you know what? Most of them get better. I help people, it's what I do. I'm not asking for a pat on the back, I'm asking for some recognition. For this ONE PERSON to listen to me just once, and not blow of my advice, and hide behind a thin veil of "you couldn't possibly understand'."
Well, the gloves are off now. I've said my bit. You can chose to listen or to ignore me (again). I've tried. I have tried so hard, given you the best of what's in my head, done every single fucking thing I could to help you move on.
And you didn't listen.
So now I'm not going to listen to you. Because if I keep watching you destroy yourself, it'll kill me.
Maybe ignorance is OUR new best friend.
I'm sorry to my followers-- I know that I've used this blog as a soap box and a venting arena too many times lately, but I'm always grateful for the messages I get offering to help, and all that. It means the world to me that someone cares that much about me. I promise I'll go back to talking about life one of these days.
these pages fill up too slow
Hey there. The internet is working again. ^^ The nice neighbors let me connect to their router, so we should be good now. I'm waiting for the newest Paramore song to load all the way on YouTube, because I don't want the first time I hear it to be ruined by a buffering symbol. I preordered the super special deluxe edition with my first paycheck from work as a birthday gift to myself. It sold out a week later. Thank God I managed to get one, haha.
I'm just kinda chill right now. I've got homework I should be doing, of course, but it's the first night with internet, and I'm having a strange burst of inspiration right now. I wrote some of my book today by hand at the church picnic. That never happens because I fucking HATE doing that, but it worked out okay. After I'm done with this blog, I think I'll type that up. I feel like I should be anxious-- I'm coming to the end of the book. Then I have to give it to Tara. But I'm acutally feeling kinda of proud. It's just a matter of the last few chapters and an epilogue. Then I have to find some sort of incentive to go back and actually REVISE some stuff, as opposed to editing. Gah. Revising is not my favorite thing, believe you me. Editing I dont' mind, but actually throwing away some of my hard work makes me want to cry.
Things have been a little stressful since school started, with all the quizzes and test right away, and then work and choir. I'm a class officer, and somehow ended up being editor-in-chief of the Red and White Newspaper. This on top of pretty much having to run CSP, since Mrs. Berg has no clue as to what she's doing. I'm not going to do yearbook, no matter how much Frau pesters me. I'll have an anxiety attack before the year is up if that happens.
It's nice to just chill and listen to music. I think I'm gonna look up some Kings of Leon, finally, since Paramore covered one of their songs. If even Paramore likes them, I must be missing out. Haha. I'll let you know how that goes. (Wow, this blog just feels like it has a very zen atmosphere, compared to my last few.) Anyways, I really should get some writing done.
This was really just a blog to let you know I'm alive, the few of you following along at home. I'm gonna try and write some new lyrics in the next few days. I'm not really sure what yet. Maybe when I finish my book I'll flesh out all the little choruses I wrote for those and put em up here-- you blog followers will have the secret knowledge of the WHOLE SONG. haha.
Wish me luck. Gotta be done by Halloween.
<3 Kayla
p.s. bane's caramel apple's are fucking orgasmic. eat one if you can. =]
Friday Night
(v1) It's Friday night and here we are again
2 AM, we've been up for hours
I've said all I can say
Everything I could think of
Tell me, did I even scratch the surface?
Or am I in over my head?
(ref) Can't admit you're getting to me
But boy, you're tearing me up
You'll never know how hard I try
How sorry I am she broke your heart
You never asked for my help
But I'll give it anyways
I don't need you to break me--
I'm doing that all on my own
(v2) Saturday morning after a sleepless night
Waiting to hear from you
To be sure you're okay
Because I know I'm not
Tell me, did the pain fade just a little?
Or am I wasting my time
(ref) Can't admit you're getting to me
But boy, you're tearing me up
You'll never know how hard I try
How sorry I am she broke your heart
You never asked for my help
But I'll give it anyways
I don't need you to break me--
I'm doing that all on my own
(v3) Week after week, we sit in our rooms
Spilling our secrets
And trying to help
I'll never give up on you
Till you tell me you're fine
And I know I'm not drowning in your mind
(ref) Can't admit you're getting to me
But boy, you're tearing me up
You'll never know how hard I try
How sorry I am she broke your heart
You never asked for my help
But I'll give it anyways
I don't need you to break me--
I'm doing that all on my own
(bridge) I can't stand to here the shaking in your voice
We're talking face to face
But we can't see eye to eye
Through this glowing screen
I'm fraying at the seams just to keep you together
She broke you, now you'll break me
This circle never ends
(ref) Can't admit you're getting to me
But boy, you're tearing me up
You'll never know how hard I try
How sorry I am she broke your heart
You never asked for my help
But I'll give it anyways
I don't need you to break me--
I'm doing that all on my own
(outro) It's a never ending circle
I'm trying so hard
We'll break each other
Before anything is fixed
watching movies in the dark but really listening to the rain
Okay, so the good news is, I'm alive. I'm breathing. And I'm not 100%, but I'm a hell of a lot better than the last time I posted on here. I don't really have a lot to say, other than that. I wrote some lyrics that I'll post when I get home (I'm at Trent's right now.) They're about some of the issues I was having last time... some search for God lyrics will probably end up on here at some point, just wait... haha.
It's only a month until new Paramore, and only two months till new Flyleaf. And Friday is gonna be fucking amazing.
I think I'm gonna be okay guys. I'll let you know.
<3
