Now I'm told that this is life, and pain is just a simple compromise
Instead of making excuses every time I manage to have internet, I’ve decided to have a weekly blog, since I’m always online on Wednesdays. If there’s any of you out there still listening… thanks. Haha. I’m probably the worst person to follow. But yeah. I have a few things I’d love to touch base on in this post. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, y’know? Real, legit thinking.I mentioned in my last little short post that I’ve started working on a companion story to “Dismantle. Repair.” I hate to break it to you, but it’s probably going to be more of a personal project-- people’s opinions on certain subjects that play a crucial part in the plot might get in the way of the theme. Which is what I’d like to bore you with, by the way. This theme that I’ve been working on. When I stop and think about it, I realize it’s a great epiphany, something I’ve been working on for a few years that I’ve finally been able to put words to.
Like when something is on the tip of your tongue, and you can’t remember for days what it is you’re trying to say, and all of the sudden, it comes to you, as naturally as any other thought. And then you wonder what was so hard about it.
(Some of this is from my notes on my new book. But you’ll never see those, so it doesn’t really matter, I guess.)
What I’m talking about it coming to love and accept yourself. Lots of people I know are NOT going to like this story. And I understand why. But I believe it’s SO important to accept yourself, because if you don’t, you can never live, and I mean truly LIVE. Because you’re always trying to change what you are to conform to other people’s points of view, and how can that be called an existence? It’s not you-- it’s this warped version of you that you’re trying to force onto yourself. Not only are you lying to everyone you know, but to yourself. I think that’s one of the worst crimes you can commit… If you aren’t truthful with yourself, who can believe anything you say?
What it boils down to is that you’re in hiding from yourself, your friends, the whole damn world.
I know how this goes-- I wasted two years of my life doing this exact thing. For me, it’s because I’m so afraid of rejection. In the back of my mind, no matter who I’m talking to, there’s always this little tiny doubt that maybe I’m not so loveable after all. That everyone is going to leave me because I don’t measure up to some invisible standard that I probably set for myself.
It comes down to the fear of being alone. It’s not uncommon, it’s something I struggle with every day. I believe in love. To quote Moulin Rouge, “above all things, I believe in love.” It’s the longevity of love I can’t wrap my head around. And what is love, exactly? Why can’t we love anyone we chose? Back in the olden days, it was because love was a silly notion-- you married for convenience and children, for wealth and position. Nowadays, people are in love with the concept of love. We write books and movies and blogs based on it, but few people ever find what they’re looking for.
I’m not saying that to accept yourself, you need to find love. No. I just think that human contact is an essential part of what you call “yourself”. Maybe that’s just me-- I need validation to realize that I’m doing well, or that I’m being a good person… that sort of a thing.
Getting back to the point a little bit. The story I’m working on isn’t so much about finding yourself. It’s about knowing who you are already and accepting that. It’s about realizing your identity is who you are, and you can’t really change that. I don’t mean small things, like “Oh, I bite my nails, can’t change that.” It’s more of a … “I feel this way about something. Why should I try to feel another way about it?”
Got it?
Good.
Let’s move on to another topic.
The song “Misguided Ghosts” by Paramore is something I’ve been relating to a lot lately. I know, I know, you’re wondering “do you do ANYTHING without relating it to music?” The answer is no. If Trent is reading this, he’s ready to kill himself, but I promise that I do have independent thoughts. The thoughts are just outlined by songs I hear. I really like the line. “I’m just one of those ghosts-- traveling endlessly. Don’t need no roads-- in fact, they follow me.” I feel like that sometimes… A lot of times, actually, I feel like a ghost. Like I’m not connected to what’s going on around me.
The girl who was supposed to be my best friend has decided to take a subtle approach to leaving me out of things, instead of talking to me. The guy who was supposed to be my best friend, my confidant, has followed her suit. I feel like I’m only close, really close with three people on this entire planet. That’s no necessarily a bad thing, but I used to be so much more involved in my environment. Now I’m just floating, waiting to graduate, trying to deal with everything that’s pressuring me. “We all learn to make mistakes and run from them” is another line that hits home. I feel like a lot of things I’ve done this year are mistakes. Or at least not the best course of action.
My friends just don’t seem like my friends anymore. I think of lot of my best friends, people I didn’t really think I cared about so much, are gone now. They’re between two and fourteen hours away, and the only way to talk to them is to type out words. Maybe that’s the way it’s meant to be.
But I don’t want to be the girl sitting alone in the coffee shop, six years down the road, regretting wasting away her high school years. It’s looking more and more like junior year was better than senior year, and I don’t know why that is. The same people are here. Almost. I’m just…missing something essential, something that let’s me really connect with these people around me.
Maybe it’s my fading faith in everything I once believed in.
Makes sense.
I think I’ve rambled on enough, I bet you’re all wondering when I’m going to shut up. I’ll go work on my story. Maybe if you can keep an open mind, I’ll let you read it.
posted by Kayla @ 4:01 PM
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